Sherlocked 24th September 2016

So...hey there guys!

Yesterday I went to the Sherlocked Convention. it was an amazing experience and oh my god- I am so going next year. Just bringing someone with me. I realised I cannot deal with crowds by myself. I started having panic attacks and generally started feleing ill.

I won't really talk much about it on here because if you go here- Sherlocked Vlog You can see some f the sets and other things. You also see what I brought there at the end and it was general amazing. Also please sub to my channel. I really would appreciate it :)

Anyhow- lets upload some of the images I was not able to put in my youtube video!

 This is meant to be Una Stubbs, aka Mrs Hudson. She has a pole through her face unfortunately. 

A Baskerille sign, that was one of the many around the place. 

The taxi they either used in Study in Pink or Reinbach Fall. i am not sure which one. Me- i am thinking Study in Pink. 

This was part of the set from the actual Christmas Special. Speedwells. 

A poster of John Watson you can stand next too. No I did not stand next to it because I did not want t know if he is taller than me XD 

Another part of the set used in the Christmas Special. 

I might as well show off the things i got actually. 

 A Jim Moriarty Pop Figure 

A Loki Pop figure- cause why not 

An I O U necklace. Sorry for my face. 

And the one I have been waiting for. 

 Ignore my face, they decided to take it after I spoke to him and then was about to smile. 

I was the happiest person that day when I met him. I am still the happiest person actually. 

So yeah- check out the vlog I did 

-Jim

Steven Berkoff /physical theatre

I first came across this man when I was in year ten. (i just finished homework on him and felt the need to write about him).

When I was in year ten and my first drama lesson, our teacher sat us down and said: "Who knows who Steven Berkoff is?" Of course none of us did at the time but later on, I realized he would influence my work more than I imagined.

So I talk a lot about the performance I got about six awards for and made an audience scream. I used  a lot of physical theater within it and did a fourth wall break by going up to the audience. So I feel as if I am influenced by this man and his work.

I also realised I use a lot of the physical theatre within my script and when writing directions. I am very contemporary. So maybe I should g into this than acting? Hm. I will see.

Anyhow, his work is brilliant and everyone- you know I am just going to show off some his work cause I want to do this myself one day.

 just general of physical theatre

 Now this is Steven Berkoff physical theatre.

I just find it so cool how the body can be used instead of speech and can be used to show an audience a specific emotion.

Please don't say I am the only one who thinks this.

-Jim

Reflection time

Hey there guys- in the last month or so, I have decided that it is time to talk about the things i have learnt about myself or important life lessons really.

So the first major one would be about, Northgate. I learnt pretty quickly that during year 12, I was not going to be a wildlife conservationist. I did not enjoy science and I did not understand it. I thought I had to arry it on because my mother wanted me too and I gave up on my dream of doing acting. I was not happy and I was depressed as hell thinking I was only fit for something I hated. However, October came around I soon started to realize (when I reached year 13) that I needed to do something for myself and not for others. So I went to do drama and it was the best choice I have made in a very long time. I guess my answer to this is- do what you love and never doubt yourself at what you love. People will turn their head and realize if you are happy-then they should be for you too.

I also came out last October. It will be a year next month since I came out to everyone. What have I learned in the past year? That there is always going to be people going to judge you- but why should I let their ignorance affect me? Who I love, does not affect them and it will continue to not affect them. I also learnt, that I need to accept myself for who I am and stop trying to be someone other than I am. I am at the happiest I have ever been in my life.

Two years ago- I had a dream. A dream that, kept me basically from killing myself or anything. I told myself two years ago when I was going through shit with the police not believing me and getting help from no one- I would meet Andrew Scott or at least gave myself a goal to keep myself from doing anything harmful to myself. When you g through something that is horrendous and decays the very person you are, you do not think there is anything left for you on this planet. I knew I had to keep myself alive because I could not hurt my family and the way i done it was by latching onto the hope and idea I would go to Sherlocked and meet this man. It mainly came around because he said hello to me and signed something for me and I told myself I needed to say thank you. (Thank you to me means more much in this case than saying thanks for a signed photo). Now this Saturday I can finally say that I am free of my demons and I am going to say this thank to this man. SO do not give up on your ideas or hopes or dreams. They will come to you eventually.

What else should I reflect on? Maybe how I went from a girl who could not say hello to anyone at school and having no friends- to a girl who now has a whole class full of friends and to a person who is vibrant and confident. I was given a bit of advice by Amanda Abbington which, I do pass onto others because it helped me a lot. When i met her a year ago, I said I was nervous she told me: "Take a deep breath and go for it. Can apply for anything in life actually." I actually use this for anything now and...well it got me into the best college for performing arts who is partnership with LAMDA and into a drama group that helped me sing in front of 45,000 people. SO thank you to her as well. (next goal to say thanks to her)

My point is this: whatever life throws at you, it will get better. I promise. I know this better than anyone and I do not say things for the sake of saying things. I said this because I know some people will feel like they need to end their life and stop everything but if they could hear from a person- who knows- god I know how it feels to get to the point of the end and wonder: What the hell is my point of living if nothing ever goes right? Why does no one take to me? I promise- I promise so much that it will turn around. It will only turn around if you tell yourself you an do this and make it happen.

It took me two years to realize the good things that were happening to me- where because I made them happen. It was not fate- it was because I wanted them.

I hope this helps someone.

-Jim

Youtube....channel...another?

So as you all know- I fail at youtube but because I am taking performing arts. I had the best idea.

Why not ask people in my class to do a channel with me and be like smosh?

We have not started our youtube channel yet as I am in the process of writing a script. This script will come as no surprise to be about Sherlock. But...it does not follow Sherlock. That is all I am going to say.

There is a wedding, there is a death (murder really) and a Magpie.

Yes-yes I know it sounds very dull but I promise it isn't. I have seven people and about nine characters. I have to perform as two of them and someone else does as well- wait ten characters then.

SO get ready for a better acting video than the fucking Joker one- that was shit.

-Jim

p.s,

Also an original character in this.

Jim....care to explain?

So I came back yesterday after about a moth or two....I do not know how long guys!

Anyhow, I thought you lot deserved an explanation of where Jim has been.


I have been what you would bed ridden. Not because I was throwing up or coughing my guts up but because I thought I generally could not get out of bed and stand to face the day. Yes I became very depressed. It was very difficult for me to move, to even think straight and to even say hello to my friends or go anywhere. 

So I could not keep you lot updated on this blog. I wanted to bog but could not find the energy to pick up my laptop and write the words in my mind. The words I had circling in my mind, made no sense. I had fallen into a very black hole- meaning I had to go back to more counselling. This counselling was not at 4yp but at a place called Suffolk Rape Crisis.

I am not about to go into details of why I am there and nor will I answer question relating to why I am there. That is my personal business.

It is the first time I have come out and said this on the internet, about where I am going. As you guys know or don't, I had police involvement in something for two years. It got no where. I ended up in a very bad state and having no believe me, expect my family. This then lead to me having a break down two months ago.

Two years I had been dealing with 'shit'. Shit is not the term for this and I only just got put on anti-depressants in April. I thought I was getting better but however, in July I had a melt down and thought I was worthless..etc.

It was not a great time as I struggled to literally do anything. It got to my birthday and I had a fantastic time and it was wonderful but I dropped again after and realized I did not have the energy to post anything about my birthday.

In August, nothing really happened and then came around the 5th of September. I had enrolled at Suffolk New and lets say- my photo I look like a tomato. I had been very stressed that day and I was very nervous at starting my first do performing arts when I originally could not speak to anyone.

Huh.

That changed as soon as I got into the class- I became very loud and would not stop smiling. No one could really understand how or why I was the happiest person alive and why I felt as if I was finally doing the right thing. I had thoughts of wanting to harm and kill myself before and now- it seemed like my life was changing for the better.

A week later on the next Monday, I still felt this amazing high.
 I then went a little mental on the Monday. So here is how the conversation with my mum went:

Me: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AOMFOI:sfiUBFBKF
Mum: What the fuck is wrong with Molly? (She was on the phone to her boyfriend)
Me: HOLY SHIT AHDHDHDHDK;JB'OG'ln'lng
Mum:Sorry i have to check my daughter isn't getting murdered.
Me: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Mum: Fucking hell shut up! (Opens living room door) What the bloody hell are you doing? Are you practicing for a character or something?
Me: (POinting at my laptop and jumping off the walls at the same time. I ended up running around the living room screaming) LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOK!
Mum: Jim! Shut up and sit down and tell me what is wrong!
Me: Wrong?! LOOOK! I am so happy!!!!!
Mum: Oh....this is you happy? What the- oh. God dam I feel sorry for that man.
Me: PLEASE GET ME THE TICKET I AM GONNA DIE OTHERWISE!n Actually dying means I would not get the ticket...so please can you get me the ticket?
Mum: Yeah. Clearly I have no choice.
Me: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

When my mum looked at my laptop screen with me screaming my head off and jumping up and down she kind of looked at me and realised why I was so happy and just bonkers basically.
It turned out Andrew Scott was going to Sherlocked the same day as me and I went slightly metal.

SO now I am going to meet the man on the 24th of September and CHRIST I AM NERVOUS! I do not want to go on my own but I don't have much choice.

Yes obviously i will be vlogging this day and sorry- you will be deaf from the youtube video.

So yes- that is the update on my life right now. Nothing more interesting to say- a rant however is coming.

-Jim

DID YA MISS ME?

Hey guys! Sorry I have not been posting.

The main reason for the absence was because I needed time to look after myself and not to think about anything really. I needed to be able to get myself better and to be think more clearly about what I want in my life.

SO here it goes: I want to keep blogging. I just have to remember. I am also still doing the youtube channel- so link at the end!

I also turned 18- so maybe I could turn this into a job? I dont know. What do you guys think?

I also started at Suffolk New and it is going fantastically. I love the course and I get on with everyone. I failed my A levels very badly- so I will not be going to university. I did however, leave Northgate which I am fucking relieved at!

So yeah more in the next post!

Love you guys.

Molly. Or Jim. 9yes I am still known as Jim).


First date

There is also more but you can find that :D

The act of depression (A new script)

So for obvious reasons- this has to be updated but this is the first version of my new monologue.  I have to add how to move and act to it obviously but this is only the beginning part. 

Depression: Oh my...wakey wakey! Molly! I said wakey wakey! What is this? Oh I knooooooooooow. Shll we go over and over and over OVER and over And over that one event?! OH PLEASE! I really want you to remember HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW we must feel and how badly (slice finger across throat)  you just wanted to end it all. Oh sweetie......LETS GIVE IT A GO!

Molly: Oh my god! What the bloody hell? Molly who is that in my mind? Is someone else in my mind? Is speaking to me?! Why do I think I need to end it all? What if I do need too?

Depression: I mean look at you. What you have become is a disgusting lying idiot! I mean you cannot even go to sixth form without a panic attack. Really? How pathetic can you get? Why don't you just shoot yourself? I mean....it might even improve your look.

Molly:

I grew up memorizing all the cracks in the wall

Staring up at the ceiling watching particles fall

See I prayed every day for a change to be made

And I'd wait to be saved, oh no

Up at night, hiding under covers found my escape

Shut my eyes and let the bass buzz into my brain

See I knew I was destined for bigger

And better but never said a thing

Depression: A wildlife conservationist? And god all mighty! I cannot wait to see you run from your husband on your wedding day! How have you not kissed anyone at 17? What is wrong with you?! Are you mentally sick or you just....stuck behind a wall? Why don't you climb it you piece of shit! Oh thats right...you are pathetically weak and make everyone seem so much better around you. You low life!

Molly:

I assumed there was only room for

My dreams in my dreams so I'd sleep

And repeat 'til the moon went home

And I didn't know where it'd take me

But made me so crazy in love with it

Depression: What was that?! You dream of being a actress but who is going to accept someone who does not  even have a dam friend! You cannot step out of bloody house without feeling fear of someone watching you! You are ugly as bloody hell and deserve to die in hell! LISTEN TO ME!

Molly: 

Then the universe aligned

Oh, with what I had in mind

Who knew there was a life

Behind those four pink walls?

Oh, the universe aligned

With what I wanted all this time

I knew there was a life

Behind those four pink walls

Depression: What! Are! You doing! Stop it at once! You must listen to me you imbecilic idiot! STOP IT AT ONCE! YOU MUST NOT DO THAT! YOU WILL NOT WIN! YOU WILL NOT BE A GOD ACTRESS! YOU WILL MESS IT UP LIKE SHIT! LISTEN TO ME YOU ARE NOT GOOD! YOU ARE WORTHLESS AND YOU DESERVE TO DIE! LISTEN TO ME!

Molly:

Now I wake up to a different bedroom everyday

Living up in the clouds thinking of how it all changed

Used to sit and watch paint dry

Amazed by the limelight

I can't ever be afraid

Depression: NO! I SAID STOP! WHY MUST YOU DO THIS TO ME!  LISTEN TO YOURSELF! CAN YOU NOT SEE YOU FAIL AS A BLOODY ACTRESS! STOP IT AT ONCE AND WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU ARE EVER GOING TO MEET HIM! STOP IT AT ONCE! GET RID OTHE DAM HOPE AND LISTEN TO ME LIKE YOU DID IN THE BEGINNING! MOLLY!

Molly:

I assumed there was only room for

My dreams in my dreams so I'd sleep

And repeat 'til the moon went home

And I didn't know where it'd take me

But made me so crazy in love with it

Then the universe aligned

Oh, with what I had in mind

Who knew there was a life

Behind those four pink walls?

Oh, the universe aligned

With what I wanted all this time

I knew there was a life

Behind those four pink walls

Depression: (getting desperate) What are you doing! Do not go to the doctors! I am not going to be quiet! Listen to me! The Doctors will refuse to help you! I- I please listen to me! I am not the enemy!  I am telling the truth! Please oh god! Please listen to me!

Molly:

All of the days that I wasted gazing outside the window

Impatient frustrations let out into my pillow

Lied awake at night while my head wandered

And I wondered why

Things weren't different

Everything shifted overnight

Went from when boredom strikes to Ms. Star on the Rise

It was all in an instant man

But those four pink walls, now I kinda miss them man

Depression: Why....what have you done to me! Dam you Williamson! Dam you! Go to hell and die and burn with the devil! He is your dam closest friend! Stop taking those! Stop......stop.....stop......it. I....

Molly:

Then the universe aligned

With what I wanted all this time

I knew there was a life

Behind those four pink walls

Depression, my name is not Molly Marie Williamson anymore. You killed that girls hopes. Me? I am Molly Marie or as I like to be known Jim. SO you know what depression? (Put middle up) You won't win and I will win. Cause does good not always win over  evil?

Also I have put two new videos up on my youtube channel- please check them out! 
The Name Written in Blood and Like Dreaming Backwards

What happened this week.

So you have read my previous blogs you will know I am prone to hurt myself and badly.
I once fell off something and broke my wrist but I laughed it off and three days later had to go to the hospital to find out I had a greenstick fracture.
I still laughed.
  Well...I kicked my radio three days ago by pure accident.
I destroyed the radio by accident so now I have no radio. It also meant I split my toe open.
  If that is not bad enough, yesterday I was wondering why my little toe was killing me.
Show my mum  my toe...and well...
"Molly your toe is black and blue! You have bloody broken it!"
   Any normal person would cry but nope.
Not me.
  I just kinda started laughing and put a bandage over it.
SO yeah...I broke my toe this week and now I can't walk very well and I decided to go to walk 'n' talk at 4YP today and as the title suggests, we did a lot of walking and now my foot is throbbing like hell.
  Moral of the story.
DO not kick a radio by accident and if your toe hurts still that night- make sure it is not broken and do not laugh at broken bones.
Also...do not go walking on a broken foot or toe.
(It is painful)

P.s not updated because my laptop was an arse and decided to make me factory reset the whole thing.

Body positivity

OKay...so this is a big step for me as I do not usually post pictures of me that show off skin. However, i have decided it is time I started feeling more comfortable in my skin and wearing the clothes I fear to wear.

I am literally stopping myself from apologising about how I look.

 

Okay...the fact I actually posted this is amazing. I hate my stomach and I think it is time I got over it. So here is fo loving yourself and having a positive look on your body. 

Always love yourself for who you are and never change yourself for another person. If they cannot accept you and love you for who you are then....fuck them. 

Also- upate on youtube channel! I posted another video! Diary of Jane

The stranger

So this is a short story that I have wrote.

Whenever I looked at her, she always had the same look.
   Hollow cheeks. Withered yellowing skin. Blood shot eyes. Dropping shoulders and lifeless eyes.
Her clothes were too big and falling off the skinny and distorted body.
Her mouth was always slightly open with rotted teeth staring back.
   She was always there, looking back at me and she terrified me to pieces. My heart hammered in my chest as she mimicked at the same time as me. I wiped my hand through my greasy hair and she wiped a hand through her greasy and wiry hair.
  I pushed the green bottle to my lips, which were dry and cracked and let the burning sensation of alcohol pour down my throat.
Why must I always see that woman? Why could she not leave me alone? Who was this shrivelled up woman?
Why....did she look dead?
     I pushed the rim of the bottle from my dry and cracked lips and put a withered yellowing hand to my face.
It suddenly came at me like a hurricane.
It swept from the bottom of my feet and upwards- a great surge of twisting emotions. my hand shook as I realised who I was looking back at....
   I was looking at myself.

So how was that for a short story? 

A letter to my closeted self

Dear closeted self, 

Growing up, you always felt you were 'different' and you had no idea why. You watched people form crushes on boys from Primary school and you always thought the thought of kissing a boy was gross. 
  In my childhood the most remembered people are the girls. I had stronger bonds to them and I understood them better than boys. 
I remember in primary school watching girls 'go out with boys' and then ask me why I was not going out with boys. I was for one, too young to understand what 'going out' with someone meant and jut the thought of a boyfriend put me off for life. 

Before I moved to Essex, people always thought you liked that one boy. You always went bright red and tried to tell people you really did not like him but no one ever listened to you. You always tried to tell people you did not like him but it never mattered. 

  When you moved to Essex and your mum got married to that homophobic arsehole it only made it worse. 

He had disowned a son of his because he was gay and you knew this. You stayed away from anything LGBT. I doubt you would have even understood what LGBT meant and gone for peoples equal rights. You never thought about it and you never talked about it. You knew most of our family was gay but you never thought about that either. You just- I guess you did not want to upset that man. 

  You reached high school and the feeling you did not like boys only intensified. Then you began a long process of thinking something was wrong with you. You watched other girls in the years have boyfriends and talk about snogging their boyfriends and you were always grossed out by the thought. 

   You watched your friends form attractions to boys and you wondered why you never did. You never felt the urge to kiss a boy like your other friends did and in fact you liked a girl in the high school but still, you refused to think for a second you were a lesbian. 

  Then year ten came and your mum divorced your step father. You could never really explain for years after why you felt so angry at him but I can tell you now, it was because you knew how homophobic he was and you knew you were a lesbian. You just could not admit it. 

  People in high school started pressuring you to go out with boys and you felt you had too. You lied to try and fit in and told people you liked other people but you did not. You did not feel attracted to them and soon that little voice was creeping into your head: Am I actually straight?

  It was around this time you began to question your sexaulity. 

You never felt the urge to kiss a boy and the thought grossed you out even more. You started to realise LGBT was thing and then you made best friends with Ricky (Anderson). 

You knew he was gay and you were fine with it. Other people in the school were not so happy about it but you asked them what the problem with being gay was. They never had a good answer. Anyhow, it turned out when you reached year thirteen and a had boyfriend: you finally realised you were gay. 

   The first person you told was Ricky. 

You asked him: How did you know you were gay? You had no idea how to put it and Ricky answered honestly and then asked why you asked that. You replied saying you think you were a lesbian. 

  However, you still thought something was wrong with you because you appeared 'emotionless' and thought you could never like anyone- well love anyone and you use to cry wondering what was wrong with you. 

   

  When you came out in October of 2015 you felt brilliant. You felt like a massive weight had been lifted off your shoulders and you were so happy. You were scared of what people thought but for the majority of answers- people accepted you. 

You soon  began to learn to love yourself and trust yourself and others around you. You opened up more and began to learn new things about yourself. 

   

  Then you started speaking to Rebekkah and you realised you were not emotionless. You were not confused anymore. You actually really liked someone and for the first time, you were looking at someone and thinking: "They are really beautiful." or "They have such a lovely smile." 

You had never had these thoughts before. 

   You also had never thought you had wanted to kiss anyone but you did. 

You never thought you would love someone, but you do. 

   I guess the point in this letter is that...everything gets so much better. I thought I would never meet anyone and I met the most fantastic person. 

I wish back then you had learned that to accept yourself, makes everything so much easier. That you are never going to be happy if you cannot accept yourself. 

  I have never been at a better state in my life and I have never been happier. 

After everything that I have gone through and coming out, I did not think I could be happy. 

I was very wrong. 

This was inspired by a Buzzfeed video where people spoke about what the wish they could tell their closeted selfs. 

Tower of London

SO Yesterday I had the chance to meet my girlfriend for the first time and it was one of the best days I have had for a long time.

However, I do not have that many photos because my phone is being a douche and decided to delete half of them, which I am very annoyed at. 

SO this me and Rebekkah. I did have a photo where I don't look so awkward but myphone deleted it. So I have had to stick with this one. The tower of london was actually great. Expect, for when I kept falling upstairs or tripping over nothing or sitting bird shit or dropping half of my food. 

Apart from that- it was great fun! I was also late to London- which was also not a great start. 

Dam you Suffolk Show. 

So anyhow when I first got to the train station, I thought I was at Kings Cross as we planned to meet at Kings Cross. However, as it turned out I had to walk out of the underground tube station and go across the road. Which was bloody terrifying because I hate roads and an other form of transport. 

ANYWAY- I got to Kings Cross and was like:I feel really nervous now. Before hand my hand was actually shaking because I was really nervous to meet her. So there I am standing at the platform when I get a text that she is outside. So I text her back saying for her to wait there. There I go outside and look around for her and can't find her. Thinking I won't recognise her if I meet. I turn around and jump and go: "Oh my god! Hello!" I scared Rebekkah....

That was the first time we met.

Later on, we decided to go to the Tower of London and walk around for a bit. I got the tickets and we walked in. There was far too many steps and I tripped up nearly every single one of them. Rebekkah also told me a lot about the history and I was amazed because I generally had no idea about any of it. (She is really intelligent).

Later on, we decide to go and see how long the queue is for the crown jewels. There we are looking at the massive line when I start laughing and I cannot stop. I start pointing at a random man and Rebekkah is quite confused. "oh my god- that is brilliant!" I laughed. I then went onto to explain that the man in front of us had Moriarty's London hat on and was going into the crown jewels.

Needless to say I thought it was funny.

After that we went to another tower where we, saw torture equipment that Tudors and other people used and jousting equipment. It was very cool but I had to snap a photo of the dragon. It was made out of scrolls and other bizarre things. 

  We then spoke about how boring The Queen's guards job must be. You can't move a muscle and you have to keep a straight face at all times. It is one job I could never do.


 Then this Raven just stopped and kept looking at us. It was pretty cool but quite weird because it was really big and just staring at the both of us. I did not realise quite how big they are. I then told her about the myth that if the Ravens' leave Tower of London- then Britain will fall. (I doubt this would happen).

It was a very strange experience walking around Tower of London. I wasn't sure to be sad or horrified at the history in this place. I think I was both actually.

Anyhow, we later walked out and went onto Tower Bridge.
 It was really not a very interesting experience. We then walked from Tower bridge up to London Bridge and then London Bridge to Tower of London. Needless to say, our legs both hurt very much.

As we were walking- I don't really want to get into the story because it is between me and Rebekkah but I said: "I want know now! Please tell me!" A man turned around and gave us the weirdest look. We both started laughing because we could not help it and the man ended up power walking away. Then we got the most filthy look of a woman- which really annoyed me.

Thenas we sat down and started having a conversation on a bench near the park near The Tower of London, we began to speak about personal things between us and a man turned around and gave us the filthiest look. Fortunately, for him, he did not realise my nickname was Jim for a reason. As we were speaking about going out with each other- he did this look. Homophobic arsehole. So I made this face at him:
 He went bright red and walked off and did not come back. Rebekkah could not stop laughing but then I explained why I had pulled the stupid face and we both started laughing.

Overall, apart from sitting in bird poo, dropping my food and falling upstairs- all of which she thought was really funny. It was a fantastic day and I literally did not want to leave her. I felt like crying actually. I don't know how I did not.

When I am reincarnated....I'm going to be a...?

So we have all wanted to know the answer to what we will be once we are reincarnated. If you believe in that sort of thing which I do not.
BUT FOR THE PURPOSE OF THIS BLOG- we are going to pretend that I wanted to be reincarnated.

Reincarnation so no this link, there is a weibsite and it 'tells' you what your next life will be. I thought I would try this out hoping I would get a cool answer like: criminal or prince. But I flipping got this:

I am going to be Toucan and my best friend is a Bengal Tiger. She is very lucky and I am not.

So then I went onto another site that apparently, if you ask questions about your future or anything- will tell you what happens. You can find this site at this link: Crystal Ball

This was probably the funniest bit.

Well that is..reassuring. 

NO YOU ARE LYING TO ME!

DOES THIS WEBSITE FRIGGING HATE ME?

Thank you Kelsey for your great wisdom. 

The quote from classical theatre

So I am currently reading a French play called, The Cid. At the moment I am only up to scene fou of act two and I am really not sure what is going on.

Basically there is a lady called Chimena who is the daughter to a man called The Count. She is getting married to a man called Rodrigo, whose father Don Diego who was a warrior for the king, upsets the The Count and orders his boy to kill The Count but Rodrigo is torn what to do because he does not want to upset Chimena....yeah you get the plot of it so far.

SO I thought I would share some of the quotes I like from it so far.

me, myself and Jim youtube channel

So I started my own youtube channel today and I am quite proud.

The first video is shit though xD

I literally have a voice break at the end and I start laughing because I cant help it. If you want to see more of me singing- then please sub to my channel.

On another note: I can now speak in an Irish accent. Might just always speak in an Irish accent. XD

Something important I learnt

In December when I was very down and was going through my second lot of counselling, I was told something I am going to pass onto you.

Well, it is more of a story than anything.

So during the time in December I had just come out as a lesbian and I was pretty much still unsure. I also had a ton of other stuff going on which I am not going to go on about but it pretty much made my school life shit and made me collapse into a deep hole. During the six weeks of counselling, I felt very close to do some very stupid things but I never did. The point I am trying to make is, I was in the worse possible place.

The counsellor I had who I am going to name, Sue-her name is not Sue. Anyhow, Sue one day asked me: "When do you go to university to start wildlife conservation?" I literally broke down in tears and began to say: "I don't want it. I can't do it. Yet I am not good enough to do what I want to do."

Sue told me then: "What do you want to do?"
"Acting." I replied getting handed a tissue. "But I can't act after everything that has happened to me. I can't get into character or anything."
Sue: "Have you tried?"
The answer to this question was no. I thought I failed completely as a person and was not going to be able to do what I wanted to do since I was very young.

She then looked at me and said: "What is stopping you?"
What was stopping me?

It took me a week to figure out the answer to this.

However, the night I went home from 4yp I told my mum I did not want to be a wildlife conservationist. She was not very happy with me and it did lead to arguments between us. I was however, so convinced that I was going to convince her that is meant for me.

I did not give up and that night I was on skype to my best friend Emily and she watched me as I picked up the house phone and rung a drama group. You have to understand, at this point of time, I could not go into town for the fear of people speaking to me and just being in a crowded place. i forced to go out obviously.  SO to pick up the phone, dial a number when I get anxiety ringing friends, was amazing! 

However, they were not in. The next day I woke up and my mum walked in and said she got a call off someone called Edward for a group called The Four Seasons. Guess what happened? They both wanted to meet the next day. I walked in and told them a little about myself and how I came from Basildon. They both nodded and then asked me what high school I went too. Apparently, they had once in the past actually been to the high school I had gone too. So it was quite cool.

I got two parts in the play. This all came from a counselling session where I was told to do it and believe I can.

after we visited them, I applied to five different colleges. All of them got back to me but I took my place at Suffolk New. I then contacted the local theatre for an audition date and got myself into an audition as well.

The point of the story is, you should always believe in yourself and that you can do something. When you lose hope in yourself, everything becomes very blurry and very difficult to understand. You do anything you think will work and you don't want to take risks.

The best thing I had done was take the risk to become an actress. In the end my mum full supported me and is really excited with me now.  She actually admitted yesterday she see when I was about three that I was going  to be an actress.

The thing I have learnt is, I have to love myself and the dreams and the hopes I want. I need to start listening to myself.

You need to listen to yourself and love yourself. Otherwise, you won't be happy and it will only get worse from there. I did not love myself and I went down a very slippery slope. ALos if you try to lie up to others dreams, which I was doing a little bit cause my mum wanted to be a wildlife conservationist. You won't be happy.

I just found a quote that reminds me of the character I performed as in high school xD It has nothing to do with this post. 

The EPIC failures OF Jim and others

So today as my video still will not do what I ask- I am going to tell you about my epic failures.

VIOLIN 

When I first go my beautiful violin, I did not realise that the wooden 'thing' I chucked across the room was a very important part of it. It basically helps to tighten the strings. (Do not hate me if I got that wrong). Anyhow, I thought if I got my bow out and just played the violin without tuning it and sticking the bridge in, everything would be fine.

This was my face.

I actually wish I was joking- but it screeched and I literally made the face Dean (Supernatural) is making. I was horrified and looked up what the 'wooden thing' was on the internet. 

Just so you know- I did actually take music lessons in Year Nine. 

PINK FAIRY 

When I lived in Basildon I had a friend- I am making this sound as if I don't have any now. I do for anyone who is actually interested! One day we going through a park called Victoria Park. As we were walking, I noticed a group of musicals sitting around a tree. I thought it was the perfect time to start yelling: "LETS GO TO PINK FAIRY LAND! WE CAN HAVE ALL THE CUP CAKES WITH PINK ICING!" 

My friend literally stopped and looked at me as the people turned around. Stopped what they were singing to look at a weird thirteen year old dancing horrendously and flapping her arms around like a injured pigeon. 

Then what happened? One of them yelled: "YES FAIRY LAND!" 

My fiend that made face and then ran away as I grabbed her hand and started skipping. (Just thinking about this- how is this a failure? It was pure genius). 

VAMP! TRAMP!

So this park called Victoria really had some idiots in it. I really did want to put something else but I am not going to. And on this particular day there was a group of people on a climbing frame who were drunk quite clearly and trying to act hard. 

They started yelling at me and this same friend. They were yelling vamp and tramp. Such a good insult! Anyhow, I yelled at them to f*ck off and leave us alone. I scared the rest and they literally jumped from the climbing frame and ran. The lady whoever, who was yelling still proceeded to walk towards us. I stopped and watched as she continued to yell this. 

However, she realised we- or I got bored of her and went to walk off when she turned around. As she turned she smacked straight into a pole and this was literally my reaction:

I swear I have never laughed so much in my life. She turned around and gave me the middle finger and guess what happened?? Yup. You guessed it. She walked back into the pole. The funny thing is, it wasn't a light knock. You literally heard her smack into the pole. 

ACTING AS JIM 

So one day I was at the park and thought it would be funny to start scaring the shit out of my friends. It however, went really wrong. 

I thought it would be funny to scare the shit out of my friends (who are standing on a hill) and run towards them screaming. It went wrong as my friend strted screaming and as I was running dived out of the way. 

Next thing you know, I am screaming as I fall down the hill and she looks over and makes  this face:

She could not stop laughing while I lay there humiliated at myself. I made this face:

See ya till the next blog!