Growing up, you always felt you were 'different' and you had no idea why. You watched people form crushes on boys from Primary school and you always thought the thought of kissing a boy was gross.
In my childhood the most remembered people are the girls. I had stronger bonds to them and I understood them better than boys.
I remember in primary school watching girls 'go out with boys' and then ask me why I was not going out with boys. I was for one, too young to understand what 'going out' with someone meant and jut the thought of a boyfriend put me off for life.
Before I moved to Essex, people always thought you liked that one boy. You always went bright red and tried to tell people you really did not like him but no one ever listened to you. You always tried to tell people you did not like him but it never mattered.
When you moved to Essex and your mum got married to that homophobic arsehole it only made it worse.
He had disowned a son of his because he was gay and you knew this. You stayed away from anything LGBT. I doubt you would have even understood what LGBT meant and gone for peoples equal rights. You never thought about it and you never talked about it. You knew most of our family was gay but you never thought about that either. You just- I guess you did not want to upset that man.
You reached high school and the feeling you did not like boys only intensified. Then you began a long process of thinking something was wrong with you. You watched other girls in the years have boyfriends and talk about snogging their boyfriends and you were always grossed out by the thought.
You watched your friends form attractions to boys and you wondered why you never did. You never felt the urge to kiss a boy like your other friends did and in fact you liked a girl in the high school but still, you refused to think for a second you were a lesbian.
Then year ten came and your mum divorced your step father. You could never really explain for years after why you felt so angry at him but I can tell you now, it was because you knew how homophobic he was and you knew you were a lesbian. You just could not admit it.
People in high school started pressuring you to go out with boys and you felt you had too. You lied to try and fit in and told people you liked other people but you did not. You did not feel attracted to them and soon that little voice was creeping into your head: Am I actually straight?
It was around this time you began to question your sexaulity.
You never felt the urge to kiss a boy and the thought grossed you out even more. You started to realise LGBT was thing and then you made best friends with Ricky (Anderson).
You knew he was gay and you were fine with it. Other people in the school were not so happy about it but you asked them what the problem with being gay was. They never had a good answer. Anyhow, it turned out when you reached year thirteen and a had boyfriend: you finally realised you were gay.
The first person you told was Ricky.
You asked him: How did you know you were gay? You had no idea how to put it and Ricky answered honestly and then asked why you asked that. You replied saying you think you were a lesbian.
However, you still thought something was wrong with you because you appeared 'emotionless' and thought you could never like anyone- well love anyone and you use to cry wondering what was wrong with you.
When you came out in October of 2015 you felt brilliant. You felt like a massive weight had been lifted off your shoulders and you were so happy. You were scared of what people thought but for the majority of answers- people accepted you.
You soon began to learn to love yourself and trust yourself and others around you. You opened up more and began to learn new things about yourself.
Then you started speaking to Rebekkah and you realised you were not emotionless. You were not confused anymore. You actually really liked someone and for the first time, you were looking at someone and thinking: "They are really beautiful." or "They have such a lovely smile."
You had never had these thoughts before.
You also had never thought you had wanted to kiss anyone but you did.
You never thought you would love someone, but you do.
I guess the point in this letter is that...everything gets so much better. I thought I would never meet anyone and I met the most fantastic person.
I wish back then you had learned that to accept yourself, makes everything so much easier. That you are never going to be happy if you cannot accept yourself.
I have never been at a better state in my life and I have never been happier.
After everything that I have gone through and coming out, I did not think I could be happy.
I was very wrong.
This was inspired by a Buzzfeed video where people spoke about what the wish they could tell their closeted selfs.
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