Well, it is more of a story than anything.
So during the time in December I had just come out as a lesbian and I was pretty much still unsure. I also had a ton of other stuff going on which I am not going to go on about but it pretty much made my school life shit and made me collapse into a deep hole. During the six weeks of counselling, I felt very close to do some very stupid things but I never did. The point I am trying to make is, I was in the worse possible place.
The counsellor I had who I am going to name, Sue-her name is not Sue. Anyhow, Sue one day asked me: "When do you go to university to start wildlife conservation?" I literally broke down in tears and began to say: "I don't want it. I can't do it. Yet I am not good enough to do what I want to do."
Sue told me then: "What do you want to do?"
"Acting." I replied getting handed a tissue. "But I can't act after everything that has happened to me. I can't get into character or anything."
Sue: "Have you tried?"
The answer to this question was no. I thought I failed completely as a person and was not going to be able to do what I wanted to do since I was very young.
She then looked at me and said: "What is stopping you?"
What was stopping me?
It took me a week to figure out the answer to this.
However, the night I went home from 4yp I told my mum I did not want to be a wildlife conservationist. She was not very happy with me and it did lead to arguments between us. I was however, so convinced that I was going to convince her that is meant for me.
I did not give up and that night I was on skype to my best friend Emily and she watched me as I picked up the house phone and rung a drama group. You have to understand, at this point of time, I could not go into town for the fear of people speaking to me and just being in a crowded place. i forced to go out obviously. SO to pick up the phone, dial a number when I get anxiety ringing friends, was amazing!
However, they were not in. The next day I woke up and my mum walked in and said she got a call off someone called Edward for a group called The Four Seasons. Guess what happened? They both wanted to meet the next day. I walked in and told them a little about myself and how I came from Basildon. They both nodded and then asked me what high school I went too. Apparently, they had once in the past actually been to the high school I had gone too. So it was quite cool.
I got two parts in the play. This all came from a counselling session where I was told to do it and believe I can.
after we visited them, I applied to five different colleges. All of them got back to me but I took my place at Suffolk New. I then contacted the local theatre for an audition date and got myself into an audition as well.
The point of the story is, you should always believe in yourself and that you can do something. When you lose hope in yourself, everything becomes very blurry and very difficult to understand. You do anything you think will work and you don't want to take risks.
The best thing I had done was take the risk to become an actress. In the end my mum full supported me and is really excited with me now. She actually admitted yesterday she see when I was about three that I was going to be an actress.
The thing I have learnt is, I have to love myself and the dreams and the hopes I want. I need to start listening to myself.
You need to listen to yourself and love yourself. Otherwise, you won't be happy and it will only get worse from there. I did not love myself and I went down a very slippery slope. ALos if you try to lie up to others dreams, which I was doing a little bit cause my mum wanted to be a wildlife conservationist. You won't be happy.
I just found a quote that reminds me of the character I performed as in high school xD It has nothing to do with this post.
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