Sherlocked 24th September 2016

So...hey there guys!

Yesterday I went to the Sherlocked Convention. it was an amazing experience and oh my god- I am so going next year. Just bringing someone with me. I realised I cannot deal with crowds by myself. I started having panic attacks and generally started feleing ill.

I won't really talk much about it on here because if you go here- Sherlocked Vlog You can see some f the sets and other things. You also see what I brought there at the end and it was general amazing. Also please sub to my channel. I really would appreciate it :)

Anyhow- lets upload some of the images I was not able to put in my youtube video!

 This is meant to be Una Stubbs, aka Mrs Hudson. She has a pole through her face unfortunately. 

A Baskerille sign, that was one of the many around the place. 

The taxi they either used in Study in Pink or Reinbach Fall. i am not sure which one. Me- i am thinking Study in Pink. 

This was part of the set from the actual Christmas Special. Speedwells. 

A poster of John Watson you can stand next too. No I did not stand next to it because I did not want t know if he is taller than me XD 

Another part of the set used in the Christmas Special. 

I might as well show off the things i got actually. 

 A Jim Moriarty Pop Figure 

A Loki Pop figure- cause why not 

An I O U necklace. Sorry for my face. 

And the one I have been waiting for. 

 Ignore my face, they decided to take it after I spoke to him and then was about to smile. 

I was the happiest person that day when I met him. I am still the happiest person actually. 

So yeah- check out the vlog I did 

-Jim

Steven Berkoff /physical theatre

I first came across this man when I was in year ten. (i just finished homework on him and felt the need to write about him).

When I was in year ten and my first drama lesson, our teacher sat us down and said: "Who knows who Steven Berkoff is?" Of course none of us did at the time but later on, I realized he would influence my work more than I imagined.

So I talk a lot about the performance I got about six awards for and made an audience scream. I used  a lot of physical theater within it and did a fourth wall break by going up to the audience. So I feel as if I am influenced by this man and his work.

I also realised I use a lot of the physical theatre within my script and when writing directions. I am very contemporary. So maybe I should g into this than acting? Hm. I will see.

Anyhow, his work is brilliant and everyone- you know I am just going to show off some his work cause I want to do this myself one day.

 just general of physical theatre

 Now this is Steven Berkoff physical theatre.

I just find it so cool how the body can be used instead of speech and can be used to show an audience a specific emotion.

Please don't say I am the only one who thinks this.

-Jim

Reflection time

Hey there guys- in the last month or so, I have decided that it is time to talk about the things i have learnt about myself or important life lessons really.

So the first major one would be about, Northgate. I learnt pretty quickly that during year 12, I was not going to be a wildlife conservationist. I did not enjoy science and I did not understand it. I thought I had to arry it on because my mother wanted me too and I gave up on my dream of doing acting. I was not happy and I was depressed as hell thinking I was only fit for something I hated. However, October came around I soon started to realize (when I reached year 13) that I needed to do something for myself and not for others. So I went to do drama and it was the best choice I have made in a very long time. I guess my answer to this is- do what you love and never doubt yourself at what you love. People will turn their head and realize if you are happy-then they should be for you too.

I also came out last October. It will be a year next month since I came out to everyone. What have I learned in the past year? That there is always going to be people going to judge you- but why should I let their ignorance affect me? Who I love, does not affect them and it will continue to not affect them. I also learnt, that I need to accept myself for who I am and stop trying to be someone other than I am. I am at the happiest I have ever been in my life.

Two years ago- I had a dream. A dream that, kept me basically from killing myself or anything. I told myself two years ago when I was going through shit with the police not believing me and getting help from no one- I would meet Andrew Scott or at least gave myself a goal to keep myself from doing anything harmful to myself. When you g through something that is horrendous and decays the very person you are, you do not think there is anything left for you on this planet. I knew I had to keep myself alive because I could not hurt my family and the way i done it was by latching onto the hope and idea I would go to Sherlocked and meet this man. It mainly came around because he said hello to me and signed something for me and I told myself I needed to say thank you. (Thank you to me means more much in this case than saying thanks for a signed photo). Now this Saturday I can finally say that I am free of my demons and I am going to say this thank to this man. SO do not give up on your ideas or hopes or dreams. They will come to you eventually.

What else should I reflect on? Maybe how I went from a girl who could not say hello to anyone at school and having no friends- to a girl who now has a whole class full of friends and to a person who is vibrant and confident. I was given a bit of advice by Amanda Abbington which, I do pass onto others because it helped me a lot. When i met her a year ago, I said I was nervous she told me: "Take a deep breath and go for it. Can apply for anything in life actually." I actually use this for anything now and...well it got me into the best college for performing arts who is partnership with LAMDA and into a drama group that helped me sing in front of 45,000 people. SO thank you to her as well. (next goal to say thanks to her)

My point is this: whatever life throws at you, it will get better. I promise. I know this better than anyone and I do not say things for the sake of saying things. I said this because I know some people will feel like they need to end their life and stop everything but if they could hear from a person- who knows- god I know how it feels to get to the point of the end and wonder: What the hell is my point of living if nothing ever goes right? Why does no one take to me? I promise- I promise so much that it will turn around. It will only turn around if you tell yourself you an do this and make it happen.

It took me two years to realize the good things that were happening to me- where because I made them happen. It was not fate- it was because I wanted them.

I hope this helps someone.

-Jim

Youtube....channel...another?

So as you all know- I fail at youtube but because I am taking performing arts. I had the best idea.

Why not ask people in my class to do a channel with me and be like smosh?

We have not started our youtube channel yet as I am in the process of writing a script. This script will come as no surprise to be about Sherlock. But...it does not follow Sherlock. That is all I am going to say.

There is a wedding, there is a death (murder really) and a Magpie.

Yes-yes I know it sounds very dull but I promise it isn't. I have seven people and about nine characters. I have to perform as two of them and someone else does as well- wait ten characters then.

SO get ready for a better acting video than the fucking Joker one- that was shit.

-Jim

p.s,

Also an original character in this.

Jim....care to explain?

So I came back yesterday after about a moth or two....I do not know how long guys!

Anyhow, I thought you lot deserved an explanation of where Jim has been.


I have been what you would bed ridden. Not because I was throwing up or coughing my guts up but because I thought I generally could not get out of bed and stand to face the day. Yes I became very depressed. It was very difficult for me to move, to even think straight and to even say hello to my friends or go anywhere. 

So I could not keep you lot updated on this blog. I wanted to bog but could not find the energy to pick up my laptop and write the words in my mind. The words I had circling in my mind, made no sense. I had fallen into a very black hole- meaning I had to go back to more counselling. This counselling was not at 4yp but at a place called Suffolk Rape Crisis.

I am not about to go into details of why I am there and nor will I answer question relating to why I am there. That is my personal business.

It is the first time I have come out and said this on the internet, about where I am going. As you guys know or don't, I had police involvement in something for two years. It got no where. I ended up in a very bad state and having no believe me, expect my family. This then lead to me having a break down two months ago.

Two years I had been dealing with 'shit'. Shit is not the term for this and I only just got put on anti-depressants in April. I thought I was getting better but however, in July I had a melt down and thought I was worthless..etc.

It was not a great time as I struggled to literally do anything. It got to my birthday and I had a fantastic time and it was wonderful but I dropped again after and realized I did not have the energy to post anything about my birthday.

In August, nothing really happened and then came around the 5th of September. I had enrolled at Suffolk New and lets say- my photo I look like a tomato. I had been very stressed that day and I was very nervous at starting my first do performing arts when I originally could not speak to anyone.

Huh.

That changed as soon as I got into the class- I became very loud and would not stop smiling. No one could really understand how or why I was the happiest person alive and why I felt as if I was finally doing the right thing. I had thoughts of wanting to harm and kill myself before and now- it seemed like my life was changing for the better.

A week later on the next Monday, I still felt this amazing high.
 I then went a little mental on the Monday. So here is how the conversation with my mum went:

Me: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AOMFOI:sfiUBFBKF
Mum: What the fuck is wrong with Molly? (She was on the phone to her boyfriend)
Me: HOLY SHIT AHDHDHDHDK;JB'OG'ln'lng
Mum:Sorry i have to check my daughter isn't getting murdered.
Me: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Mum: Fucking hell shut up! (Opens living room door) What the bloody hell are you doing? Are you practicing for a character or something?
Me: (POinting at my laptop and jumping off the walls at the same time. I ended up running around the living room screaming) LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOK!
Mum: Jim! Shut up and sit down and tell me what is wrong!
Me: Wrong?! LOOOK! I am so happy!!!!!
Mum: Oh....this is you happy? What the- oh. God dam I feel sorry for that man.
Me: PLEASE GET ME THE TICKET I AM GONNA DIE OTHERWISE!n Actually dying means I would not get the ticket...so please can you get me the ticket?
Mum: Yeah. Clearly I have no choice.
Me: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

When my mum looked at my laptop screen with me screaming my head off and jumping up and down she kind of looked at me and realised why I was so happy and just bonkers basically.
It turned out Andrew Scott was going to Sherlocked the same day as me and I went slightly metal.

SO now I am going to meet the man on the 24th of September and CHRIST I AM NERVOUS! I do not want to go on my own but I don't have much choice.

Yes obviously i will be vlogging this day and sorry- you will be deaf from the youtube video.

So yes- that is the update on my life right now. Nothing more interesting to say- a rant however is coming.

-Jim

DID YA MISS ME?

Hey guys! Sorry I have not been posting.

The main reason for the absence was because I needed time to look after myself and not to think about anything really. I needed to be able to get myself better and to be think more clearly about what I want in my life.

SO here it goes: I want to keep blogging. I just have to remember. I am also still doing the youtube channel- so link at the end!

I also turned 18- so maybe I could turn this into a job? I dont know. What do you guys think?

I also started at Suffolk New and it is going fantastically. I love the course and I get on with everyone. I failed my A levels very badly- so I will not be going to university. I did however, leave Northgate which I am fucking relieved at!

So yeah more in the next post!

Love you guys.

Molly. Or Jim. 9yes I am still known as Jim).


First date

There is also more but you can find that :D

The act of depression (A new script)

So for obvious reasons- this has to be updated but this is the first version of my new monologue.  I have to add how to move and act to it obviously but this is only the beginning part. 

Depression: Oh my...wakey wakey! Molly! I said wakey wakey! What is this? Oh I knooooooooooow. Shll we go over and over and over OVER and over And over that one event?! OH PLEASE! I really want you to remember HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW we must feel and how badly (slice finger across throat)  you just wanted to end it all. Oh sweetie......LETS GIVE IT A GO!

Molly: Oh my god! What the bloody hell? Molly who is that in my mind? Is someone else in my mind? Is speaking to me?! Why do I think I need to end it all? What if I do need too?

Depression: I mean look at you. What you have become is a disgusting lying idiot! I mean you cannot even go to sixth form without a panic attack. Really? How pathetic can you get? Why don't you just shoot yourself? I mean....it might even improve your look.

Molly:

I grew up memorizing all the cracks in the wall

Staring up at the ceiling watching particles fall

See I prayed every day for a change to be made

And I'd wait to be saved, oh no

Up at night, hiding under covers found my escape

Shut my eyes and let the bass buzz into my brain

See I knew I was destined for bigger

And better but never said a thing

Depression: A wildlife conservationist? And god all mighty! I cannot wait to see you run from your husband on your wedding day! How have you not kissed anyone at 17? What is wrong with you?! Are you mentally sick or you just....stuck behind a wall? Why don't you climb it you piece of shit! Oh thats right...you are pathetically weak and make everyone seem so much better around you. You low life!

Molly:

I assumed there was only room for

My dreams in my dreams so I'd sleep

And repeat 'til the moon went home

And I didn't know where it'd take me

But made me so crazy in love with it

Depression: What was that?! You dream of being a actress but who is going to accept someone who does not  even have a dam friend! You cannot step out of bloody house without feeling fear of someone watching you! You are ugly as bloody hell and deserve to die in hell! LISTEN TO ME!

Molly: 

Then the universe aligned

Oh, with what I had in mind

Who knew there was a life

Behind those four pink walls?

Oh, the universe aligned

With what I wanted all this time

I knew there was a life

Behind those four pink walls

Depression: What! Are! You doing! Stop it at once! You must listen to me you imbecilic idiot! STOP IT AT ONCE! YOU MUST NOT DO THAT! YOU WILL NOT WIN! YOU WILL NOT BE A GOD ACTRESS! YOU WILL MESS IT UP LIKE SHIT! LISTEN TO ME YOU ARE NOT GOOD! YOU ARE WORTHLESS AND YOU DESERVE TO DIE! LISTEN TO ME!

Molly:

Now I wake up to a different bedroom everyday

Living up in the clouds thinking of how it all changed

Used to sit and watch paint dry

Amazed by the limelight

I can't ever be afraid

Depression: NO! I SAID STOP! WHY MUST YOU DO THIS TO ME!  LISTEN TO YOURSELF! CAN YOU NOT SEE YOU FAIL AS A BLOODY ACTRESS! STOP IT AT ONCE AND WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU ARE EVER GOING TO MEET HIM! STOP IT AT ONCE! GET RID OTHE DAM HOPE AND LISTEN TO ME LIKE YOU DID IN THE BEGINNING! MOLLY!

Molly:

I assumed there was only room for

My dreams in my dreams so I'd sleep

And repeat 'til the moon went home

And I didn't know where it'd take me

But made me so crazy in love with it

Then the universe aligned

Oh, with what I had in mind

Who knew there was a life

Behind those four pink walls?

Oh, the universe aligned

With what I wanted all this time

I knew there was a life

Behind those four pink walls

Depression: (getting desperate) What are you doing! Do not go to the doctors! I am not going to be quiet! Listen to me! The Doctors will refuse to help you! I- I please listen to me! I am not the enemy!  I am telling the truth! Please oh god! Please listen to me!

Molly:

All of the days that I wasted gazing outside the window

Impatient frustrations let out into my pillow

Lied awake at night while my head wandered

And I wondered why

Things weren't different

Everything shifted overnight

Went from when boredom strikes to Ms. Star on the Rise

It was all in an instant man

But those four pink walls, now I kinda miss them man

Depression: Why....what have you done to me! Dam you Williamson! Dam you! Go to hell and die and burn with the devil! He is your dam closest friend! Stop taking those! Stop......stop.....stop......it. I....

Molly:

Then the universe aligned

With what I wanted all this time

I knew there was a life

Behind those four pink walls

Depression, my name is not Molly Marie Williamson anymore. You killed that girls hopes. Me? I am Molly Marie or as I like to be known Jim. SO you know what depression? (Put middle up) You won't win and I will win. Cause does good not always win over  evil?

Also I have put two new videos up on my youtube channel- please check them out! 
The Name Written in Blood and Like Dreaming Backwards