What happened this week.

So you have read my previous blogs you will know I am prone to hurt myself and badly.
I once fell off something and broke my wrist but I laughed it off and three days later had to go to the hospital to find out I had a greenstick fracture.
I still laughed.
  Well...I kicked my radio three days ago by pure accident.
I destroyed the radio by accident so now I have no radio. It also meant I split my toe open.
  If that is not bad enough, yesterday I was wondering why my little toe was killing me.
Show my mum  my toe...and well...
"Molly your toe is black and blue! You have bloody broken it!"
   Any normal person would cry but nope.
Not me.
  I just kinda started laughing and put a bandage over it.
SO yeah...I broke my toe this week and now I can't walk very well and I decided to go to walk 'n' talk at 4YP today and as the title suggests, we did a lot of walking and now my foot is throbbing like hell.
  Moral of the story.
DO not kick a radio by accident and if your toe hurts still that night- make sure it is not broken and do not laugh at broken bones.
Also...do not go walking on a broken foot or toe.
(It is painful)

P.s not updated because my laptop was an arse and decided to make me factory reset the whole thing.

Body positivity

OKay...so this is a big step for me as I do not usually post pictures of me that show off skin. However, i have decided it is time I started feeling more comfortable in my skin and wearing the clothes I fear to wear.

I am literally stopping myself from apologising about how I look.

 

Okay...the fact I actually posted this is amazing. I hate my stomach and I think it is time I got over it. So here is fo loving yourself and having a positive look on your body. 

Always love yourself for who you are and never change yourself for another person. If they cannot accept you and love you for who you are then....fuck them. 

Also- upate on youtube channel! I posted another video! Diary of Jane

The stranger

So this is a short story that I have wrote.

Whenever I looked at her, she always had the same look.
   Hollow cheeks. Withered yellowing skin. Blood shot eyes. Dropping shoulders and lifeless eyes.
Her clothes were too big and falling off the skinny and distorted body.
Her mouth was always slightly open with rotted teeth staring back.
   She was always there, looking back at me and she terrified me to pieces. My heart hammered in my chest as she mimicked at the same time as me. I wiped my hand through my greasy hair and she wiped a hand through her greasy and wiry hair.
  I pushed the green bottle to my lips, which were dry and cracked and let the burning sensation of alcohol pour down my throat.
Why must I always see that woman? Why could she not leave me alone? Who was this shrivelled up woman?
Why....did she look dead?
     I pushed the rim of the bottle from my dry and cracked lips and put a withered yellowing hand to my face.
It suddenly came at me like a hurricane.
It swept from the bottom of my feet and upwards- a great surge of twisting emotions. my hand shook as I realised who I was looking back at....
   I was looking at myself.

So how was that for a short story? 

A letter to my closeted self

Dear closeted self, 

Growing up, you always felt you were 'different' and you had no idea why. You watched people form crushes on boys from Primary school and you always thought the thought of kissing a boy was gross. 
  In my childhood the most remembered people are the girls. I had stronger bonds to them and I understood them better than boys. 
I remember in primary school watching girls 'go out with boys' and then ask me why I was not going out with boys. I was for one, too young to understand what 'going out' with someone meant and jut the thought of a boyfriend put me off for life. 

Before I moved to Essex, people always thought you liked that one boy. You always went bright red and tried to tell people you really did not like him but no one ever listened to you. You always tried to tell people you did not like him but it never mattered. 

  When you moved to Essex and your mum got married to that homophobic arsehole it only made it worse. 

He had disowned a son of his because he was gay and you knew this. You stayed away from anything LGBT. I doubt you would have even understood what LGBT meant and gone for peoples equal rights. You never thought about it and you never talked about it. You knew most of our family was gay but you never thought about that either. You just- I guess you did not want to upset that man. 

  You reached high school and the feeling you did not like boys only intensified. Then you began a long process of thinking something was wrong with you. You watched other girls in the years have boyfriends and talk about snogging their boyfriends and you were always grossed out by the thought. 

   You watched your friends form attractions to boys and you wondered why you never did. You never felt the urge to kiss a boy like your other friends did and in fact you liked a girl in the high school but still, you refused to think for a second you were a lesbian. 

  Then year ten came and your mum divorced your step father. You could never really explain for years after why you felt so angry at him but I can tell you now, it was because you knew how homophobic he was and you knew you were a lesbian. You just could not admit it. 

  People in high school started pressuring you to go out with boys and you felt you had too. You lied to try and fit in and told people you liked other people but you did not. You did not feel attracted to them and soon that little voice was creeping into your head: Am I actually straight?

  It was around this time you began to question your sexaulity. 

You never felt the urge to kiss a boy and the thought grossed you out even more. You started to realise LGBT was thing and then you made best friends with Ricky (Anderson). 

You knew he was gay and you were fine with it. Other people in the school were not so happy about it but you asked them what the problem with being gay was. They never had a good answer. Anyhow, it turned out when you reached year thirteen and a had boyfriend: you finally realised you were gay. 

   The first person you told was Ricky. 

You asked him: How did you know you were gay? You had no idea how to put it and Ricky answered honestly and then asked why you asked that. You replied saying you think you were a lesbian. 

  However, you still thought something was wrong with you because you appeared 'emotionless' and thought you could never like anyone- well love anyone and you use to cry wondering what was wrong with you. 

   

  When you came out in October of 2015 you felt brilliant. You felt like a massive weight had been lifted off your shoulders and you were so happy. You were scared of what people thought but for the majority of answers- people accepted you. 

You soon  began to learn to love yourself and trust yourself and others around you. You opened up more and began to learn new things about yourself. 

   

  Then you started speaking to Rebekkah and you realised you were not emotionless. You were not confused anymore. You actually really liked someone and for the first time, you were looking at someone and thinking: "They are really beautiful." or "They have such a lovely smile." 

You had never had these thoughts before. 

   You also had never thought you had wanted to kiss anyone but you did. 

You never thought you would love someone, but you do. 

   I guess the point in this letter is that...everything gets so much better. I thought I would never meet anyone and I met the most fantastic person. 

I wish back then you had learned that to accept yourself, makes everything so much easier. That you are never going to be happy if you cannot accept yourself. 

  I have never been at a better state in my life and I have never been happier. 

After everything that I have gone through and coming out, I did not think I could be happy. 

I was very wrong. 

This was inspired by a Buzzfeed video where people spoke about what the wish they could tell their closeted selfs. 

Tower of London

SO Yesterday I had the chance to meet my girlfriend for the first time and it was one of the best days I have had for a long time.

However, I do not have that many photos because my phone is being a douche and decided to delete half of them, which I am very annoyed at. 

SO this me and Rebekkah. I did have a photo where I don't look so awkward but myphone deleted it. So I have had to stick with this one. The tower of london was actually great. Expect, for when I kept falling upstairs or tripping over nothing or sitting bird shit or dropping half of my food. 

Apart from that- it was great fun! I was also late to London- which was also not a great start. 

Dam you Suffolk Show. 

So anyhow when I first got to the train station, I thought I was at Kings Cross as we planned to meet at Kings Cross. However, as it turned out I had to walk out of the underground tube station and go across the road. Which was bloody terrifying because I hate roads and an other form of transport. 

ANYWAY- I got to Kings Cross and was like:I feel really nervous now. Before hand my hand was actually shaking because I was really nervous to meet her. So there I am standing at the platform when I get a text that she is outside. So I text her back saying for her to wait there. There I go outside and look around for her and can't find her. Thinking I won't recognise her if I meet. I turn around and jump and go: "Oh my god! Hello!" I scared Rebekkah....

That was the first time we met.

Later on, we decided to go to the Tower of London and walk around for a bit. I got the tickets and we walked in. There was far too many steps and I tripped up nearly every single one of them. Rebekkah also told me a lot about the history and I was amazed because I generally had no idea about any of it. (She is really intelligent).

Later on, we decide to go and see how long the queue is for the crown jewels. There we are looking at the massive line when I start laughing and I cannot stop. I start pointing at a random man and Rebekkah is quite confused. "oh my god- that is brilliant!" I laughed. I then went onto to explain that the man in front of us had Moriarty's London hat on and was going into the crown jewels.

Needless to say I thought it was funny.

After that we went to another tower where we, saw torture equipment that Tudors and other people used and jousting equipment. It was very cool but I had to snap a photo of the dragon. It was made out of scrolls and other bizarre things. 

  We then spoke about how boring The Queen's guards job must be. You can't move a muscle and you have to keep a straight face at all times. It is one job I could never do.


 Then this Raven just stopped and kept looking at us. It was pretty cool but quite weird because it was really big and just staring at the both of us. I did not realise quite how big they are. I then told her about the myth that if the Ravens' leave Tower of London- then Britain will fall. (I doubt this would happen).

It was a very strange experience walking around Tower of London. I wasn't sure to be sad or horrified at the history in this place. I think I was both actually.

Anyhow, we later walked out and went onto Tower Bridge.
 It was really not a very interesting experience. We then walked from Tower bridge up to London Bridge and then London Bridge to Tower of London. Needless to say, our legs both hurt very much.

As we were walking- I don't really want to get into the story because it is between me and Rebekkah but I said: "I want know now! Please tell me!" A man turned around and gave us the weirdest look. We both started laughing because we could not help it and the man ended up power walking away. Then we got the most filthy look of a woman- which really annoyed me.

Thenas we sat down and started having a conversation on a bench near the park near The Tower of London, we began to speak about personal things between us and a man turned around and gave us the filthiest look. Fortunately, for him, he did not realise my nickname was Jim for a reason. As we were speaking about going out with each other- he did this look. Homophobic arsehole. So I made this face at him:
 He went bright red and walked off and did not come back. Rebekkah could not stop laughing but then I explained why I had pulled the stupid face and we both started laughing.

Overall, apart from sitting in bird poo, dropping my food and falling upstairs- all of which she thought was really funny. It was a fantastic day and I literally did not want to leave her. I felt like crying actually. I don't know how I did not.